Crunchers and Bangers
I recently started a new job and yesterday was asked to write a bio about myself and provide a photo to send out to the company. I wish I could have just sent…
“I have recently arrived from a company where I spent nearly all my time alone in an office listening to 6 Music. I know already it will be a shock to the system sitting in such a large open plan office again. For example the bloke that constantly crunches mints is already making me tense and I had to restrain myself from launching a stapler at the head of the man who types as if he’s trying to break through boulders (typing that loudly doesn’t make anyone think you’re working hard by the way, you’re probably playing Track and Field). Don’t chew loudly or speak with your mouth full and we will get on fine and dandy (and I’m looking directly at you bumper bag of Ready Salted as I type this, you’re treading a thin line).
If you see a full fat coke on my desk in all likelihood I am hungover. Do not approach me until midday.
I can be bribed with sweets.
I will go above and beyond the call of duty if asked politely. Manners are a virtue dear colleagues, and they cost nothing.
I may have exaggerated my excel skills during the interview process so perhaps steer clear of that.
Oh for the love of God… STOP banging the keyboard like that. I can’t concentrate on this blog.”